Having the preconception that "not everyone likes
you" is a widely accepted notion. However, it's a different ball game when
you meet - eyeball to eyeball - one of those people who don't like you. It is much
more interesting when the person attesting to this fact, in words, is right in
front of you. I once had this experience while seeking the commitment of a lady
in an organisation I headed. I'd invited her to my office though she was
surprise at the invitation in the first place 'cos she never thought I could
sight her in the auditorium. She honoured the invite and my conversation with
her started with getting to know her better. She cooperated, telling me about
herself and what she was up to at the moment. She was learning makeup asides
her academics. She eventually taught me, in words though, the different types
of makeups and their applications. I'd found a common ground to relate with her
since one of my sisters, Lara Tiamiyu, CEO La'Royal
Studios, is into Photography & Makeup and she does a great job at them.
I showed this lady some of Lara’s pictures and jobs on my device.
At a
point in the 'sharing', she began to wonder why exactly I'd invited her to my
office since she knew it can't all start & end on just discussing makeups.
It was at that point I heard one of the shocking statement ever said to me.
"Do you know I don't like you"? Said the young lady with a sense of
gravity in her voice and mien. *whew!* My eyeballs budged out though I quickly
adjusted them, consoling myself with a pretty 'false' smile, not a façade
though. The most shocking was that her dad knew about the event that predicated
the dislike she'd towards me {a guy the dad knows not} and despite the degree
of her dad's plea to her, on my behalf though unknowingly to me, she yet resented
me. This was an event I couldn't have even known I offended someone - THREE-SIX-FIVE
DAYS before this appointment in my office. *Huh?!* Not to bore you with the
long story, I bailed myself out of the situation, explained what I felt she
didn't know or misinterpreted about the situation, apologised in arrears and
like every good story would end, we became good friends. Her commitment
heightened partly and she was moderately accountable to me.
Conflicts
and confrontations in leadership are not only normal, they should be
anticipated from time to time. People, your head(s) and team members inclusive,
would sometimes misconstrue or/and [therefore] disapprove your arguments or
position on an issue. Someone somewhere you know or don't know just doesn't
like how you talk or walk or look or how you handle/manage your affairs.
Someone might even dislike the intent of this piece right now *smiling*. All of
these are just pointers to a reality: It's a world filled with breeds with
different perspectives, culture, ideology & lifestyle. Sincerely, some of
these experiences would hurt you and some might not have dire consequences. Whichever
way it turns, you must learn how to manage resentments.
1. Have
the Right Perspective
Elizabeth Gilbert
said, “As smoking is to the lungs, so is
resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” Resentment is an
attack on your heart as a leader. Your heart is the essence of your identity
and must be guarded with utmost diligence. Someone said, “resentment is like
taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. That’s striking! It’s
self-inflicted. Resentment is giving people the control over your emotional
being…and ultimately your entire self. Disturbingly, I have always wondered how
some people cope with bitterness. Well, the little time I have harboured it, the
consequence is a dehydration of my creativity tank and I could tell it won’t be long I would cease to ‘live’. Set yourself free: forgive freely, forgive in advance; discard unrealistic
expectations from people; help people not with an exchange mindset ~ real help
is offered without expecting anything in return; avoid unhealthy deposits of
people’s shortcomings in your ‘court’ {steer clear of gossips and busybodies ~
YOUR LIFE IS A FULL TIME JOB already!}; get along with people, of course, as
far as it is possible for you.
2. Prioritise
People over Task/Goal
While
a leader leads people to achieve a particular goal/task, he must learn to place priority on the people than the
task. It can never be over-emphasized: People
are your asset. The right people
– your greatest asset. Of course, the wrong people too have lessons to teach
you: love, focus, discipline, patience etc. To place emphasis on the people you
lead or who lead you is to model genuine
love. Accept correction with a good heart no matter how sharp the words are
hurled at you. When confronting, be clear and direct. Try as much as possible
to deal with the issue. Confront in private and seek a healthy settlement. Of
course, leaders sometimes confront in public too. Perhaps, several private
confrontations prove abortive. That might translate to rebuke. Not all rebukes have devastating effects. Open rebuke is
better than secret love and a source of learning and warning for all. The huge debt you owe any man is to LOVE!
This is a profound leadership truth that will set you free forever.
3. Follow-Up
Do
something extra after possible resolutions. Make commitment to work on the
feedback you have received so far. Resentment is not only possible through
contact with people, it could be a situation. A student having an ‘F’ in a course might as well be angry
with the situation or his lecturer. But frankly, the ‘F’ remains a feedback that needed a further action plan. My Pastor
or boss can’t be mad at me or my output and I stay just okay. Something must be
wrong with my psyche. It is a feedback and I must see to what he’s saying and
fix things quickly. Follow up on your commitments!
If
we are truly working together as a team, then stepping on each other is
inevitable. Hence, it is a wisdom well directed to create allowances for this. Our
uniqueness is embedded in our differences. Resentment is like a cankerworm that eats up the cell of the
organisation and subtly robs the organisation of its creativity and
productivity. When this happens, the organisation becomes lifeless! Give no
room for resentment - rancor, bitterness, or hatred.
Raise the edge always! Take the LEAD!
Femi TIAMIYU
#LEAD360
