Managing Resentment

Having the preconception that "not everyone likes you" is a widely accepted notion. However, it's a different ball game when you meet - eyeball to eyeball - one of those people who don't like you. It is much more interesting when the person attesting to this fact, in words, is right in front of you. I once had this experience while seeking the commitment of a lady in an organisation I headed. I'd invited her to my office though she was surprise at the invitation in the first place 'cos she never thought I could sight her in the auditorium. She honoured the invite and my conversation with her started with getting to know her better. She cooperated, telling me about herself and what she was up to at the moment. She was learning makeup asides her academics. She eventually taught me, in words though, the different types of makeups and their applications. I'd found a common ground to relate with her since one of my sisters, Lara Tiamiyu, CEO La'Royal Studios, is into Photography & Makeup and she does a great job at them. I showed this lady some of Lara’s pictures and jobs on my device.  

At a point in the 'sharing', she began to wonder why exactly I'd invited her to my office since she knew it can't all start & end on just discussing makeups. It was at that point I heard one of the shocking statement ever said to me. "Do you know I don't like you"? Said the young lady with a sense of gravity in her voice and mien. *whew!* My eyeballs budged out though I quickly adjusted them, consoling myself with a pretty 'false' smile, not a façade though. The most shocking was that her dad knew about the event that predicated the dislike she'd towards me {a guy the dad knows not} and despite the degree of her dad's plea to her, on my behalf though unknowingly to me, she yet resented me. This was an event I couldn't have even known I offended someone - THREE-SIX-FIVE DAYS before this appointment in my office. *Huh?!* Not to bore you with the long story, I bailed myself out of the situation, explained what I felt she didn't know or misinterpreted about the situation, apologised in arrears and like every good story would end, we became good friends. Her commitment heightened partly and she was moderately accountable to me.

Conflicts and confrontations in leadership are not only normal, they should be anticipated from time to time. People, your head(s) and team members inclusive, would sometimes misconstrue or/and [therefore] disapprove your arguments or position on an issue. Someone somewhere you know or don't know just doesn't like how you talk or walk or look or how you handle/manage your affairs. Someone might even dislike the intent of this piece right now *smiling*. All of these are just pointers to a reality: It's a world filled with breeds with different perspectives, culture, ideology & lifestyle. Sincerely, some of these experiences would hurt you and some might not have dire consequences. Whichever way it turns, you must learn how to manage resentments.

         1.     Have the Right Perspective

     Elizabeth Gilbert said, “As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.” Resentment is an attack on your heart as a leader. Your heart is the essence of your identity and must be guarded with utmost diligence. Someone said, “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. That’s striking! It’s self-inflicted. Resentment is giving people the control over your emotional being…and ultimately your entire self. Disturbingly, I have always wondered how some people cope with bitterness. Well, the little time I have harboured it, the consequence is a dehydration of my creativity tank and I could tell it won’t be long I would cease to ‘live’. Set yourself free: forgive freely, forgive in advance; discard unrealistic expectations from people; help people not with an exchange mindset ~ real help is offered without expecting anything in return; avoid unhealthy deposits of people’s shortcomings in your ‘court’ {steer clear of gossips and busybodies ~ YOUR LIFE IS A FULL TIME JOB already!}; get along with people, of course, as far as it is possible for you.

     2.     Prioritise People over Task/Goal

     While a leader leads people to achieve a particular goal/task, he must learn to place priority on the people than the task. It can never be over-emphasized: People are your asset. The right people – your greatest asset. Of course, the wrong people too have lessons to teach you: love, focus, discipline, patience etc. To place emphasis on the people you lead or who lead you is to model genuine love. Accept correction with a good heart no matter how sharp the words are hurled at you. When confronting, be clear and direct. Try as much as possible to deal with the issue. Confront in private and seek a healthy settlement. Of course, leaders sometimes confront in public too. Perhaps, several private confrontations prove abortive. That might translate to rebuke. Not all rebukes have devastating effects. Open rebuke is better than secret love and a source of learning and warning for all. The huge debt you owe any man is to LOVE! This is a profound leadership truth that will set you free forever.

     3.     Follow-Up

     Do something extra after possible resolutions. Make commitment to work on the feedback you have received so far. Resentment is not only possible through contact with people, it could be a situation. A student having an ‘F’ in a course might as well be angry with the situation or his lecturer. But frankly, the ‘F’ remains a feedback that needed a further action plan. My Pastor or boss can’t be mad at me or my output and I stay just okay. Something must be wrong with my psyche. It is a feedback and I must see to what he’s saying and fix things quickly. Follow up on your commitments!

If we are truly working together as a team, then stepping on each other is inevitable. Hence, it is a wisdom well directed to create allowances for this. Our uniqueness is embedded in our differences. Resentment is like a cankerworm that eats up the cell of the organisation and subtly robs the organisation of its creativity and productivity. When this happens, the organisation becomes lifeless! Give no room for resentment - rancor, bitterness, or hatred.

Raise the edge always! Take the LEAD!

Femi TIAMIYU

#LEAD360

#iSpeakPOSITIVELY

It’s generally believed and apparent that existence is in two realms: the material world {conspicuous for all to see; tangible} and the insubstantial world {not tangible but existing}. Surprisingly, the latter births and controls the former.Changes, before being obvious to the natural, are effected in the realm of the unseen by conceiving ideas, scrutinizing it, weighing the pros and cons of its implementation, and predicting likely outcomes. In addition, it sometimes takes time for changes to be noticed in the natural world. It is like the story of the Chinese Bamboo Tree. You take a little seed, plant it, water it, and fertilize it for a whole year and nothing happens. The second, third and fourth year too shows no significant progress despite the water and fertilizer applied to it. In the fifth year, the tree sprouts and grows ninety feet in six weeks. That’s quite amazing!

This is very analogous to the product of words. Words are seedsand they yield harvest. Words are the units of creation. They are the building block of life. The oldest, yet existing, principle is that of releasing creativeand rightwords from the vocal cord. Words kill, words give life. A man’s tongue has the capacity to put all his body in control. Great leadershave learnt to leverage on this aged tenet. History has the records. At Britain’s finest hour, his words to the House of Common when newly appointed as the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill said: “…Victory – victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival.”Leaders shape their world and inspire people into productive actions with their words.

My dear country, Nigeria, will be 54 on October 1^st. A question prevalent in this season is whether the independence is worth celebrating or not?#LEAD360 has taken cue from GEMSTONE’s #iSpeakPOSITIVELY’s social media campaign and has dedicated today’s focus on speaking creatively rather than debate if Nigeria@54 is worth celebrating. Of course, the headlines are so disquieting but we would rather feed, trigger, and release our faith than accept fate. Knowing that right words are forcible and carries with it the potentials to produce result, especially when backed with actions, I will therefore speak inspired words. Join me as we scatter seeds into different sector of our Dear Country.

Our land produces the best of people with the right value systems. Nation Builders arise with healings in their wings. Men whose heart God has touched, providing solutions to our multifaceted problems because they exude the wide-shining wisdom of God. Men, leading the people with the integrity of heart and the skillfulness of their hands.Men running with the common vision ofdeveloping the nation in different capacities; climbing barricades; undaunted, fearless, unswerving and unstoppable. Each one knows his job and does it. These men will use the old rubble of past lives to build anew. Well acclaimed to be people who can fix anything, restoring old ruins, rebuilding, renovating and making the community livable again.

Our nation designs enduring structures capable of bequeathing the right values to generations unborn; edificesupholding the tenets of democracy; policies not just favouring the high and mighty but also the commonest man even in our villages;systems where transparency is its hallmark; and institutions impacting the spirit of patriotism in our vanguards.

Our Statesmen are people of honour, men with a pedigree of reliability, committed to strong family values, consumed with the nation’s interest, generous andprudent withevery kobo in our nation’s coffers. Men of influence, well respected globally. Men whose words carry power and significantly contributing to the overall good of the continent and the world at large.

Our land yields quality crops in huge quantity which do not just translate to Agricultural experimentsbut a genuine Operation-feed-the-nation scheme. Food gets to the table of the common man and our crops are highly valued in the international market.

The nooks and crannies of our community are safe havens where our children grow without fear and trembling. Terror is flushed out of our streets;fear grips bandits that they dare not operate on our finely constructed highways anymore; our seas freedfrom pirates and our airways steered clear of suicide bombers. Life and property are well preserved!Sustainable ultramodern transportation and railway systems flourishing smoothly in our cities; and trusted airline services in business.Our climate is a temperate ambience breeding investment opportunities at home and abroad. Massive urbanisation of our villages with preservation of our culture and extinction of some customs that hinder progress.Tourism is greatly boosted in our nation.

We prosper in health and wealth. Our hospitals are well-equipped with up-to-date drugs and medical facilities. Viral diseases are kicked out of our land, the immune system of our people is boosted, infant mortality rate radically declines, poverty becomes a defeated malady, and maternal health greatly improves!

Our institutions are indeed citadels of learning producing highly intelligent minds and faculties. Our students excel brilliantly, not just passing examinations with flying colours but readily applyingall they have learnt in different spheres of life. Expatriates queue in embassies just to get visa into our great country, Nigeria. Brain drain emigration regresses abruptly. We exploit the limitless advantages of information technology; expanding our expertise in automobile and aircraft manufacturing; and other major electromechanical devices.

Power stability becomes a usual phenomenon in every crevice of the six geo-political zones of our nation. Justice and equity pervades our legislative system at all levels. Entrepreneurial giants and enterprise developers emerge with creative solutions ~ tackling financial lack and providing employment opportunities for many. Beyond tribal or religious differences, we apply our hearts to righteousness {moral and spiritual rectitude in every area and relation} and our nation is exalted;our people are delivered from the shackles of guilt and shame; we have a rekindled hope beyond our present realities, faith beyond our fate, and love unfeigned displayed by our country men and women, provoking their unflinching support for visionary governance.

We become everything we can be but have not yet become; we do everything we can do but have not yet done, and we have everything we can have but have not yet possessed. Nigeria becomes the eighth wonder of the world and people – both young and old - marvel at the great transformation that befalls us so shortly. Nations see us and call us BLESSED! GOD BLESS NIGERIA ~ a land of limitless transformational possibilities.

#iSpeakPOSITIVELY #iSpeakLIFE #iSpeakVICTORY #iSpeakHealingOfOurNAtion #iSpeakNigeria #iBuildNigeria #GODBlessNIGERIA #GODBlessAfrica #GODBlessTheWorld.

As we mark Nigeria@54, I charge you to publish these words for great, in influence and affluence, is the company of the publishers of these words. We are the builders! Let’s speak and act the Nigeria we envision into being. We have what we say and receive a hundred percent yield of these seeds.

Happy Independence Nigeria!

Femi TIAMIYU

#LEAD360

You can now obtainThe Pauline Prayers by DamilolaOguntunde, Senior Pastor, CASOR, ObafemiAwolowo University, Ile Ifefrom https://payhip.com/b/H1DRor get your copyat Wisdom Hills, Opposite OAU Campus Gate, Ile-Ife or call Mayodeon 08035920525 for further enquiries.

Sophisticated Sophia, Phoney Phillip

One of the essential ingredients that breed a functional leadership is love. It is this singular entity that distinguishes Mother Teresa from Adolf Hitler and WHO from ISIS. Love does not only ensure a thriving organisation, it is an indispensable quality for any leader or organisation seeking lasting impact {to leave a legacy}. Leadership is the ability to inspire willing and conscious followership. An Organisation, as observed by Late Steven Covey, is made up of individuals who have a relationship and a shared purpose. This purpose aims to meet the need of one or more persons or stakeholders. A marriage is a kind of organisation. A relationship too. And Love, most times, is the legal tender validating this ‘transaction’.

In our discourse today, we have two characters who are not necessarily in a love affair but they are symbolic of ‘some’ structural exhibitions with respect to gender. What is at the ‘heart’ of these two specimens? How are they wired to operate? Would a Sophia, highly sophisticated, want to have a romance with a Phillip so insensitive of his inbuilt capacity to take the lead? Let’s film these characters more closely: Her name suggests her insatiable crave for wisdom {Sophia}. She’s committed to living by the standards of the organisation and she upholds ethical values despite her shortcomings. She’s weathered the storm and now can walk with some poise. She has a twenty-first century fashion sense. Confident. Intellectual. Delectable she is. Witty too. Bishop Thomas Jakes, in The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord, calls her the mother of nations, the womb of creativity, the garden of life. She manages her emotions well. She accepts responsibilities willingly. Highly initiative. Delivers results with ease and speed. She’s a model to her peers. Her protégées admire her to the point that they ‘secretly’ wish her as their wife. Her male colleague respects her too. The boss is always pleased with her deliveries. She’s found to be always upping her games, knowing what position to assume when rolling the dice for a favourable outcome. And yes, she takes pride in her person always.

Phillip on the other hand, lives a deceitful lifestyle. He is not necessarily a fraudster but he swindles himself. He prioritizes earning over learning, wealth over wisdom, pleasure over pains; appetite over purpose; power over knowledge {of authority}. Mistaken maleness for manhood; misdirected the exuberant nature of the male-man. I usually like to use the seven G’s Check of a Man: God (simply Spiritual Intelligence ~ the optimum functioning of a man is dependent on understanding this Living Entity ~ His Source); Gaze (Vision); Governance (Leadership); Gumption (Knowledge, Mind Power, Emotional Intelligence); Goal (Pursuits); Gold {Financial Intelligence); and Gait {Physical and Social Intelligence). This is even not exhaustive as compared to the seventeen F’s renowned Speaker and a visionary Icon to me and many youths, Fela Durotoye listed in his Mr Fanstastic. Of course, we don’t expect Mr. Phillip to carry a ‘placard’ around trying to regurgitate these highlights. These, actually are programmes that would ooze from the man’s codes by default if he’d thoroughly internalized them.

Apparently, this is typical of some settings. I have witnessed different versions of it – ‘some’ voluntary organisations, clubs, associations and faith-based organisations. Some corporate circles are spared as motivation of personnel in firms is a function of some induced incentives and activating a work environment that allows for the growth { social, professional, etc.} of the employees. The description of Sophia and Phillip might not have been so absolute but you would agree that commitment and support seems to be readily solicited from the female species than their male counterpart and her alacrity can be guaranteed. Some ladies are recalcitrant though….*Lips Sealed*. Of course, women being emotional, tend to pay more attention to matters of conscience {and Leadership is a matter of conscience. Love is its gauge!}. They put the whole of their being into what’s committed in their care. Little wonder, records have it that there are more women than men in Churches, though not obtainable in ‘every’ Church. An Author had quipped that many husbands lacked vision. In turn, the woman primarily designed to be a helper would always want to assist any man with a vision, hence the rationale behind the massive drift of women to Churches to assist the Pastors’ vision. Well, ultimately, the vision is not the Pastor’s. It is God’s. But I digress.

#LEAD360, inspiring effective leadership, is concerned with this trend. Phillip must stop being phony. For once, he’s to take life, at least, with a pinch of gravity. Let’s look at three areas where this theme must be tweaked. 

1. Home

Where else is the display of leadership needed most if not in the family? Every standard seems to be falling apart today because of compromised family values. What would be the outcome of the matrix if the proportion of SOPHIAs to PHILLIPs, as described from the preceeding, is 70:30 respectively? That’s an invitation to anarchy I suppose. We must charge Mr. Phillip that the conferment on him as the head is not for decoration. As much as it is honourary, which is what the understanding and application of leadership does to any being irrespective of sex, it is not a value statement about worth. Being the head doesn’t make you the greatest in your home. Heads and leaders are first servants. Leadership is service! With authority come responsibilities. The first being knowledge. Authority is unleashed by virtue of knowledge. Hence, leaders are knowers. They search and not sag or laze around. If all you care, the Holy Book calls you the Head of your wife. Put your house in order Mr. Phillip. Uncover the 7 G’s and 17 F’s mentioned above. Man Up! 

2. Organisation

There is nothing wrong with Sophia. God bless her heart if she truly understands the concept of submission. However, Phillip must develop some responsible traits in his workplace. Phillip’s initiative ability must be resuscitated. Life is not lottery Phillip! So stop loitering around rehearsing excuses for one failure to perform or sloppiness in duty. I concur with my friend’s PM some days back; Dami Oguntunde says excuses are the adornment of lazy people. Profound! Leaders are conscious of the influence over them and the influence they wield ‘cos being under an influence and you as an influence to others validates your leadership equilibrium {I’ve never heard that term before though, perhaps it would be a theme at our subsequent discourse *winks*}. 

3. Society

The PHILLIPs need to be reminded that the future of any generation lies in their hands. How disgraceful it would be if the ‘unborns’ or ‘toddlers’ grow up to know their left from their right and can’t find us as samples of their models? The development of any community with a sustainable growth appraisal is dependent on Phillip’s audacity to take the lead just as Obama stepped out. Recommending his Audacity of Hope won’t be out of place at this point. Of course, we’re not saying Phillip should start daydreaming being the next president of his country ‘cos he loves those illusive fantasies. Nah! Phillip must make real and right his thoughts ~ a proper estimation of his perceptions, conceptions and inceptions ~ definite phases every vision/dream must pass through. The community was placed in your hand Phillip! Arise and take charge! Live out your mandate. You are born to rule Sir!

Charge any Phillip around you to ponder over the underlying points in this masterpiece and caution Sophia to maintain her champion while performing her role with utmost humility. Well, for the obstinate and disrespectful SOPHIAs, you just asked what we are to do to them. First, we won’t call them Sophia. Second, we would open their files consequently! *LOL*

Raise the edge always! Take the LEAD!

Femi TIAMIYU

#LEAD360

The Pauline Prayers by Damilola Oguntunde, Senior Pastor, CASOR, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile Ife is very much available. The Masterpiece is forwarded by Pastor Dele Osunmakinde of The Baptizing Church. Place your order at Wisdom Hills, Opposite OAU Campus Gate, Ile-Ife or call Mayode on 08035920525 for further enquiries.